by Philip A Foster, MA - Life Coach and Counselor

Now that I have your attention!  As a counselor I often work with couples who are in crisis.  Well, shall we say their marriage is in crisis.  Like with most things we don't address problems until it is nearly too late.  We see this in how we deal with our health, our finances and alas our marriages.  While marriage problems are as complex as the two people in the relationship, I do believe that one of the areas I most see problems in is that of Intimacy.  I'm not just talking about S.E.X. so you can get your mind out of the gutter for just a minute.  Intimacy is more than just the physical.  As a matter of fact, I look at intimacy as a triad that starts with healthy and effective communication.

So what about communication?  Let's look all the way back to the beginning of any relationship.  Think about it!  Most couples when they first meet will talk hours and hours on end about everything.  Whether it be a favorite color, food, or vacation spot; we learn a great deal about the other person because we are interested in them.  We want to know everything about them.  The problem is, we slowly stop having these "type" of conversations and soon we slip into mundane life "surface" conversations about the bills, the kids, and so on...  The problem is we, as people dont stop evolving.  We dont stop learning, growing, even changing.  It is imperative that conversations go deeper than the surface of the daily grind.  Think about this!  The next time you go out to dinner look around and pay attention to the couples in the room.  How many of them are sitting in silence eating their meals and hardly even looking at each other?  RED FLAG?  You Bet!!!  So, how do you have a conversation.  Well, you listen twice as much as you talk.  You try to understand before being understood and you ask open ended questions.   One way to start a conversation would be to ask your spouse what the "High Point" of their day was.  Let's say they answer with "I had lunch with my best friend today."  Ok, dont stop there... you should then follow up with something like, "Oh, that is awesome... where did you guys go?" or "Did you have a good time?" or "How was the food there?" Etc.  These are open ended questions that spur on a conversation.  The key to this method is that your spouse will then also ask you what the high point of your day was.  But dont stop there, ask about their low point too.  WARNING!!!! The Low Point of the day is NOT a place to throw your spouse under the bus.  For example - DO NOT SAY... the low point of the day for me was when you didnt take the garbage out for 5th time in a row... etc.  The low point could be "I didnt get to have lunch with my best friend and it bummed me out".  Again, the key here is to have a conversation about it.   Conversations must take place to create and even feed the next level of intimacy which is Emotional Intimacy.

When you have healthy conversations and you are building safety and security between each other you cannot help but build emotional intimacy.  Emotional intimacy is that "feeling" you get about the other person.  Emotional intimacy could play into the "feelings of Love".  Emotional intimacy allows for us to let our guard down and plays into the trust we place in someone else.  Without Emotional Intimacy we wont have the deepest level of physical intimacy.  And yes, I mean SEX this time.  Without Verbal and Emotional Intimacy at healthy levels, physical intimacy becomes simply a mechanical process of sharing our bodies with each other.  It is just simply sex... and nothing more.   Verbal Intimacy helps create healthy emotional intimacy which can ultimately produce an amazing physical intimacy.

Some Caution for you - the reader.  The information above is only parts of a more complex model but they are certainly techniques you can put into motion.  Obviously the longer the marriage has been broken the longer it takes to repair the damage.  I would encourage you to consider working with a marriage counselor to help you navigate through the process of healing.  I also wanted to make sure you understood that just because you do the things above DOES NOT mean you won't ever have a disagreement.  Disagreements are a healthy part of growth in the context of a healthy and growing relationship.

If you would like to explore getting help for you and/or your marriage, please contact Philip A Foster, MA at http://www.maximumchange.com or call 615-216-5667.  Don't wait for a crisis or for your crisis to grow worst... reach for help today!